We Need a Czarina

By G. Patrick Callahan, Prisoner of the Drug War

Czar tsar or tzar: 1. an emperor or king. 2. the former emperor of Russia. 3. an autocratic ruler or leader. 4. any person exercising great authority or power. (from the Latin Caesar) - Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 1996.

We were standing around our "cubicles" in the Land of Razor Wire the other day--these are like milk cow stalls, about 90 square feet per two men, rows upon rows of them--and the subject of sexism in the Drug Czar's office came up. Why is it, someone asked, haven't we had a Drug Czarina?

This struck me as a valid question. We've had all these dried up, old drug czars but no czarina and it's high time, er, that is, it's about time we changed this chauvinistic code. We want to see a Czarina in there next time, another Catherine the Great, a buxom babe with blood in her eye.

We want to see some czarettes and czaritos, too, the scions of the monarchy. It's all so fitting, you see, that the totalitarian state we are becoming embraces the titles of imperialism.

It was Russia, after all, who bequeathed the world goodies like thought crimes, conspiracy laws and the block snitch. We need to see a D.E.A. Czar and a Czar of Immigration, the Czarina of the I.R.S.. What about a Super Czar of the House of Representatives or Empress of the Senate? Why, we've got the highest imprisonment rate in the world already, and as long as we forge steadily ahead to the apparent goal of six million people in concentration camps by 2015, we need to complete the circle and Czarify every bureaucratic title in sight. Once we do that, then we can get on with changes a la 1917.

I'm thinking only the lessons of history will save us from the Czars and those who put them in place; certainly logic and every scientific study done to date hasn't had any effect. This is leading to that other nifty Russian word: gulag. In this case, From Sea to Shining Sea.

If you doubt this, just ask any Russian grandmother.